"Women"

Women Are More Complicated than Computers

Understanding women is harder than figuring out the hardest computer game, harder even than setting up a secure 200-client network running *BSD. But women can offer more satisfaction than even an overclocked, dual-Celeron workstation, so learning how to deal with them is worth the extra effort.

I believe the greatest frustration about women for men who are used to dealing with Open Source software is that you cannot fix flaws you find in them. You pretty much have no choice but to take them the way they are. For example, my wife likes to redecorate frequently, which sometimes annoys me, but I've learned to shrug my shoulders and call this part of her personality a feature, not a bug, and to accept it with the same good grace with which I accept a certain respected coworker's unique approach to the English language.

But I take pride in the fact that I am just as much of a mystery to my wife as she is to me, and that she can't change my source code any more than I can change hers.

Perhaps this is the true secret of finding a woman to love: knowing that there is no such thing as a perfect female, but that a woman worth loving is worth loving in spite of her imperfections, just as you are worth loving in spite of your imperfections -- to at least one woman in this world, who is probably sitting alone right now, wishing she could find a fine, brilliant (if slightly shy) man like you to fill that big, empty spot in her life.

Genie in the lamp:

A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, So you can forget about three. You only get one wish."
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?"
The genie laughed a replied, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete....How much steel !!!! No think of another wish." The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He said,
"I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, To know why they are crying, To know what they want when they say "nothing"...."
The genie replies "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Definition of WIFE & HUSBAND     

   A man wants to have a WIFE because she can make his life :
   W : WONDERFUL
     I : INTERESTING
    F : FASCINATING
    E : EXTRAORDINARY
    
   But a woman will have to be careful in finding a HUSBAND because
   he might be :
    H : HOPELESS
    U : UNACCOUNTABLE
    S : SENSELESS
    B : BORING
    A : AUTHORITATIVE
    N : NUISANCE
    D : DISCRIMINATIVE

Some of the Many Differences Between Men and Women

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. 
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want. 

A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her. 
A man, of the woman who didn't. 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, 
While a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 

Men marry because they are tired. 
Women marry because they are curious. 
Both are disappointed. 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 
A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. 
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. 

Married men live longer than single men. 
But married men are a lot more willing to die. 

Any married man should forget his mistakes -no use two people remembering the same thing. 

Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. 
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. 

The Battle: A woman has the last word in any argument. 
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 

Husbands: Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. 
One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. 

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

The Gender of Computers:

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designed as masculine or feminine.

 "House" in French is feminine - "la maison." "Pencil" in French is masculine - "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.  Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

====> The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine order - "la computer" - because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later review.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

====> The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine -"le computer" - because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 The women won (oops)

Family Jokes

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
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Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now!
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Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 and on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
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A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
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Old lady: Doctor, I've got a pain in my left leg.
Doctor (after examining her): It's caused by old age.
Old lady: Nonsense! My right leg is all right and it's as old as the left leg. ___________________________________________

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife said the reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
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A housewife walked into her kitchen to see her husband with a fly swatter in his hand. She asked, "Honey, what are you doing?" He responded,
"Oh, just swatting flies." She asked. "Killing any?" He responded, "Yes, I got 3 males and 2 females!" "Good", she said, and turned to walk away.
But then a puzzling thought overcame her and she turned back towards her husband and asked, "Honey, how could you tell the sex of the flies?"
He responded, "Well, 3 were on the beer can and 2 were on the phone."