Computer Humor :

Error code:
Subject: Computer problems
How many of us have felt like this???

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called the computer guy over to my desk. He clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" and he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."
A puzzled expression ran over my face. "An ID Ten T Error? What's that in case I need to fix it again?"
He gave me a grin. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
I wrote: I D 1 0 T

Tech jokes:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

 3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

 4. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

 5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

 6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

 7. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

 8. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer.” The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but the computer still couldn't "see" the printer".

9. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

 10. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with that. But when it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

 11. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the floppy disk and wondered why there were problems.

 12. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

F1 F1 : A programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time
on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.

Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: I'd like a mouse pad, please.
Salesperson: Certainly, Sir. We've got a large variety.
Customer: But will they be compatible with my computer?

You Know You've been on the Computer Too Long When...

...when asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
...you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
...you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
...after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
...you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
...not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
...you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
...you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in hexadecimal.

Fall in love with a computer

Believe me it is true...
You installed the best in me.
Your picture is always in my background.
You clicked my heart gently.
You drive me crazy when I see you.
Your love reset my life and deleted all the sadness in me.
You restored my kindness after I thought it was corrupted.
I'm always connected to you with more than 56 heartbeats per second.
You hacked my brain and registered your name in it.
You are the only one that could navigate my feelings and explore my emotions at the same time.
I feel lost when I try to call you and you are not responding.
I always feel you close to me when I shut down my eyes, or when I open my windows waiting for you to pass.
You are the only one that can log into my heart and never log out.
I dream of being your only server as long as I live.
You don't have to search for me, cause we are always linked to each other.
I see your name everywhere, my Front Page, my homepage and all my software.
I scanned my life and found that I'm only infected by you.
You are the virus I'd never remove, and why should I do?.
You formatted my life and added happiness to view.
Believe me it is true...
I love you more than my CPU!!!

If you have Excel 97 I have a neat little trick for you.

Open Excel (make sure your standard toolbar is on) and choose Blank Worksheet. 

Then press F5 and type the following in the reference box: X97:L97

Choose OK, press the Tab key once and you should be in cell M97. 

Now move your mouse over your Chart Wizard (the little blue-and-red graph thingie in the toolbar).

Next, press and hold Control then Shift and also left-click on Chart Wizard. If done properly, you'll discover a very well-hidden Flight Simulator.

Use your mouse to fly around, left click to accelerate forward, and right click to fly backwards. At first go slow and look for a little area that is not blue like the rest of the background. On it you will find a little story from the developers of Excel and a list of credits.

This is a great time-waster but it takes awhile to get used to the speed controls. Good luck.

MS Word Trick:
Try this:
Open a Word document and type
= rand (200,99)
Press Enter and wait 3 seconds...

Unix Trick:

Try this line in UNIX
echo Mhbqnrnes Stbjr | tr a-y b-z

/* Source Code to Windows 2000 */

#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "win98.h"
#include "workst~1.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#include "monopoly.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();
disable_Netscape();
disable_RealPlayer();
disable_Lotus_Products();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();

if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");

if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt)
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}

* Logic Test:

 How many 3-cent stamps are there in a dozen?